I was given an Onion daily calendar by someone I know (but it would take too long to explain who he is and how I know him, and you'd get bored and not appreciate the punchline of this entry, so just suffice it to say that I know someone who no longer wanted his Onion daily calendar, and so he gave it to me). Most of the pages are "eh", but I like today's. It's a horoscope for Libras:
By this time next week, you'll either be hung or hanged. Our apologies for any inconvenience the ambiguity may cause.